I hope when MY day of reckoning comes, I will finally understand all the things that didnt make any sense before.

Like why some genuinely good-hearted people end up being the ones that carry all the hurt and pain for everyone else in their lives?   And why some people feel they can deal with pain better than others can, esp after they’ve really suffered enough already to last em 10 lifetimes?   How come there are so many others that are only out for themselves and they dont ever feel bad or have bad days?  Why is it the self absorbed ones don’t know what loss is like the ones who love and care do?

When MY day of reckoning comes, I hope I am filled with a God given understanding to all the things I’ve seen over the years and not get left in a deeper state of confusion with more questions than I had.  I want that God given understanding to bring me to a sense of peace and comfort, with a calmness that flows through me like a breath of fresh air.   

I desperately want to understand the differences between the less fortunate ones that just cant seem to ever catch a break and the over-indulged cry babies that get whatever they want handed to them at every turn because nobody can stand to listen to anymore of their constant whining.  The less fortunate ones will break their necks to get things done, and not just done, but complete and right the first time because they put forth real effort that nobody notices or appreciates, that just keeps piling up more and more on em and its relentless because it just never really ends.  Each new day, they get up facing more challenges, some new and quite a few that are old with no promises of an ending in sight.  They dont quit, they dont stop.  They keep rolling, in a forward march, covered from dreams built on hope and faith that comes to a simple moments rest by the shadows of things blocking their way. As  the over-indulged light-heartedly skip on by with complaints that steals the peace and comfort normally somewhere close by sending them further away with nothing left but irritations to take their place.

When is hope and faith revived?   When does the self seeking notice anyone besides themselves?                                                       

My day of reckoning’s here.    I’ve made some real mistakes in the past.  I didnt just right my wrongs, but I grew from them.  Somewhere in the distant past I was one of the self absorbed, self seekers, who was over indulged in the cost and expenses of personal gain.  I had to open my eyes, accept the things I saw, and grow so I could be of real help.  I learned the world is not all about me.  I found out I am not the only one, I am not the chosen one.  My wants and needs are small and meaningless to the less fortunate.  I saw I was not the only one who knew hurt and pain.  I realized that one’s sufferings is no greater or no lesser in their strength and intensity than my own are.  I understood the importance of them, that its all in a persons ability to cope with their day to day stresses and their haunting pasts.  I had to let go to grow.  I had to hold on, to help.  I had to forgive myself for not being the perfect person I wanted so bad to be and never will become.  

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I hope this someday reaches you and finds you in good health and good spirits. Whether you believe it or not, I do mean that. Whether you understand it or not, I do love you. And whether you trust it or not, I am always here for you. Sometimes it may not be the way you want it or expect it, but I will always give you the best in me I am able to give.

Some times it’s hard to give when you have nothing left in you to give anymore. I was overloaded and didn’t want to admit it to myself.

I lived in constant pain and hated life for taking away my “freedom” to move around on my own and for taking away my physical strength which was my only real means of making money. I was physically and mentally addicted to all the opiates they had me on, I had Tommy there running his mouth non-stop about you and Zack, stressing me completely out and was trying to do everything in my power to keep the peace and avoid problems, and get through the holidays and give it my best shot to make it a very nice one for all of us. But also still in the back of my head I had the rent that worried me non stop because every single day I worried myself sick we would all be thrown out into the streets because it wasn’t getting paid, the electric that we had to have on, and the water for everything else. And nothing was getting paid unless you or I paid it. And there was only so much we could do. It was too much on me. But then after Tommy got there, he never once said thank you for all you and I did for him. And he stressed me the hell out because he wouldn’t let up on you and Zack and I knew trouble was brewing and I felt like I had my back up against the wall. What made me feel worse is I felt like I was the only one who really cared about the needs of the whole household. But I don’t remember what all it was he said, except he referred to Zack as the devil’s spawn and you as something else. And you caught hell for it from me. And I am sorry for that. I wish I could change it, but I cant. I had no issue with Zack. And I really didn’t mean anything bad the night your store got robbed. I just reacted to getting to you and wasn’t thinking.

You leaving probably was the best thing you could’ve done. I just wish you wouldn’t have done it the way you did. But I get it. You needed your space and I had way too much on my plate I had to deal with.

Tommy and I are divorced. Have been for awhile now. His parents know, but he doesn’t. Not yet anyway. He pulled 13 months in jail shortly after you left. And right before he hit the streets I moved and then filed for divorce. That too was another issue. As long
as he knew where I was, he was never going to go away.
I married him because by then (after 10 very long unhappy years) he had me convinced I couldn’t ever do better than him… and he was always putting me down all the time, making me feel like crap about myself (and I still do). None of that’s your problem, but maybe it’ll help you understand some of it.

His dad got word to me recently that he needed to talk to me and it was urgent, so I called him and found out Tommy is flipping out again. (Even I have to admit, the threats he is making against his parents is pretty serious). But I had to tell him we were divorced and I wasn’t going to get involved. All it is, is he wants to pawn Tommy off on me again and that’s just not going to happen. I have lost enough because of him.

Anyway, after you and Zack were gone, and Tommy went to jail, it wasn’t all that long later Dwight moved out and moved in with his father…. And outside of random
people being around, I stayed to myself at the house a lot. I guess I was more depressed than I realized. And around Sept 2011 I really snapped and started drinking… well in a nut shell, it turned out my blood pressure was through the
roof and making me crazy. The dr tried
to admit me, and all hell broke loose.
I finally got that under control, but still stayed to myself. And
through three back surgeries on top of it. But I got off all the narcotics I
was on.

So when the holidays rolled around, outside of putting a stocking up for Chloe, I had no intentions in celebrating Christmas. I didn’t even
have a tree up. What was the point? I mean for real? I had no family to share it with. Then one night when Dwight was raising hell about me getting out of the house, we ran into Tom. Remember him? The guy who used to live next door with the little boy? Well it was Kevin who insisted I spend the holidays with him them because I was family. I finally gave in.
UPDATE: I am seeing a guy named Jerry now. We’ve been together a year now. And for the 1st time in many years, I am happy. He is a helluva nice man. We really do have a lot in common. Outside of the obvious reasons, I think he came into my life for another reason… and thats YOU. And when and if the day comes, I will explain why face to face.
Anyway, I want you to know there isnt a day that goes by that I dont think about you and have regrets…. I wish I could’ve gotten to know Zach better… he just didnt give me much of a chance. I tried and kept getting shut out and had no idea why.
Ya know all the horror stories you hear about in-laws? well even tho me and Jerry arent married, me and his mother get along great. She is a damn good woman, the kind of person I wish I was and had always been.
I had to make an unexpected trip back to New Jersey last year…. the daughter my mother had the year before me and had put up for adoption, was found. She looks like my mother and resembles me too. I have known about her since I was a kid. My mother named her (at birth) Carrie Noel… thats why I didnt like you calling yourself Carrie…. (noel came from her being born just before Christmas)… I stayed up there 2 weeks. I got to go to my dads grave for the very 1st time and I have the book too. a friend of my sisters went to the library and copied it page for page and put a cover on it and it was handed to me minutes before I was leaving to come home. After I got back, I took it to the courthouse and it stayed locked up there til Feb this year, cuz Dennis, the sheriff retired. When Jerry and I first met, he was my neighbor…. the day after I moved in, I had to go to the dumpster and after I put the trash in and was heading back to my place, I heard someone holler out “HEY!”. He about scared me half to death cuz I didnt know anyone was around …. he had been in his place and was looking out the window and saw me and he said OMG thats her! she is the one! and he said he about tripped over his own 2 feet to get to his front door to talk to me before I disappeared. hahahhaaa anyway, he was living with his mother and younger brother. Him and his brother didnt get along, like not at all. Jerrys Brother was 39 yrs old. So after they got into a bad fight one nite, his brother moved out. I heard the fight – THRU the walls!! And it had me scared to death… I ended up meeting His brother at his new place and me and him got to be close friends… and I finally talked jerry into talking to him at least and they did. I got a picture of them together… and it is the ONLY one in existence. Their baby sister, and all her kids (the oldest one is your age, wants a copy of it) Jerry and I ended up getting a place of our own, 2 doors down from his mom and Robert, his brother, moved back in with mom. He had been home about 3 weeks and rob and Jay (Jerry) were getting along great and me and rob were getting to be close friends, he would introduce to me to EVERYBODY as his sister…. God I loved that! It meant a lot. and Mom was happy and then on Dec 28th, about 6am, I went into moms apt and found Rob in the corner of the living room laying on top of Jay’s toolboxes and some clothes, dead. I swear to God, I almost lost it. Actually I did lose it. I didnt sleep for 5 days… everytime I closed my eyes, I’d see Rob and I’d have a panic attack. After being up for 5 days straight, and totally nutting up, Jerry gave me something that knocked me out for like 2-3 days. I woke up, more focused but I was still having serious azzed panic attacks. I was a wreck and was falling apart. I lost you (twice), your brother and your sisters once, I had lost my family (moms side), lost a sister I never got to have as a kid, lost a brother (older than her), lost everything I owned… that was when I had to go move to Ohio to see a brain specialist and go into rehab, I left everything I owned here except my movies, my wolf figurines, my computer, my pics of all you kids, birth certificates, soc. sec. cards for you kids, and my clothes. I lost both my parents, one I lost before I ever got to know him, and my little sister and her dad and his mother and his sons…. I lost Grandma Grace and my mothers sister and her kids and her brother and his wife and son… everything that mattered to me in my life, I’ve lost. And now Rob too… But finding Rob the way I did and him looking the way he did, damn near destroyed me. I still struggle with it… the loss, the hurt, the sadness, all of it…. somedays. Some days are better than others…. He had one of those scooter – things…. I took it for a ride around the building and wrecked. I hit a pole on a chain link fence and the bike went down and took me with it. Right under it. If the fence hadnt been there to stop me, I’d have slid right into the highway during rush hour traffic. I toted a black eye for like 2 weeks and the rest of my face was cut up, swollen and bruised. The only place I had any injuries or cuts or anything else on, was my face. I felt so bad for wrecking Robs bike. Cuz up until that day there wasnt even so much as a speck of dust on it. And I wreck, and lost 1 of the mirrors, and cracked the paint and other stuff. I wasnt worried about me, just the bike. and neither Mom or Jay got mad… they were worried to death about me. And that made me feel like shit even more. And to lose someone as young as Rob, finding him the way I did and losing him the way we did, fcked me up really really bad. Everything Ive cared about and loved, I’ve lost. And him dying, I just relived everything else I’d lost.
When Rob died, Mom gave me his cell phone… Until I had proof on some legal papers, I couldnt add my name to his acct. I didnt wanna take his name off it… just add mine in case something happened with the acct. And I will never change the number either. Out of respect for Rob and his family. I just got the phone company the papers they needed last month. Jerry got his scooter… I also got his necklace and some of his clothes, and Jerry got some of his clothes too and so did Mom. She also has Robs bible too. When he moved back home he didnt bring much with him…. but telling Mom and Jerry he was gone damn near killed me. It was the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life. Mom just broke down… and Jerry just looked at me in total shock. He still to this day hasnt cried or let it out yet and that worries me some. The longer it takes, the deeper the pain will be. After Rob died, on Dec 28th, a lot of other things have happened… some to make me think, some to make me smile, some to make me cry, some that hurt, some that made me have multiple “awakenings”… eye opening realizations. some had to do with you…
O while I am thinking about it… I ran into Destiny and she said she had sent you a friends request on facebook and you never responded. She is doing ok.. she is with a good guy and has 2 kids… a girl and a boy. Craig, is his normal self… and mad at me again, cuz I wont buy him a truck or anything else.
Okay lemme explain that… I own (legally) a 32 ft RV. Its a monster… it is beautiful on the inside and looks like its brand new, esp on the inside. Up to 5 people can sleep in it easily, thats how much room/space there is!! As of a few days ago, I own a Ford Explorer…. AWD with a 5.0 V8 in it. She is a luxury truck (SUV). I own both things outright with NO payments at all. I also got a bunch of new clothes and now own 4 flat screen/flat panel TVs, including a 32 inch “Smart TV” thats still in the box unopened and has been for over a month. I didnt buy any of it. Mom did. Moms father passed away and when they sold his house and her and her sister each got their share of the money, this is what she did. She bought me the SUV cuz she got tired of seeing me struggle making car payments each month. And she bought the RV cuz Jerrys going back to school… (I am already back in myself)… and if he let the school get him affordable housing, I wouldnt have been able to go with him. So Mom got the RV so I could and we will live in it til he graduates. She got me a lot of new clothes too cuz I dont have clothes that are good for the weather where Jerrys school is at. So Craig started in on me about getting him a truck cuz I have been able to get myself all these other things, and all his friends parents buy their kids cars, give em money, buy dirtbikes, and 4 wheelers and all this other shit. And since I have never done anything else for him, the least I could do was buy him a truck! I tried to convince Mom not to spend any of her money on me… I wanted her to go on a cruise, get a nice house, get a beautiful car, go to the spa and have a makeover. but she wouldnt listen.
anyway, so now Craigs pissed at me cuz I wont do anything for him. Geez youd think since this is the 1st time in my whole life I had someone do something nice as hell for me, that he would be happy for me. But nope. Hell he owes Jerrys mom $50 anyway. But I do whatever I can for her… cuz she isnt in the best of health.. she isnt as bad as Granny was tho thank god!!! Like today I took her to get her hair cut and I paid for it. Tomorrow I plan on taking her to the laundry mat so she can wash her clothes and then out to dinner… she wants to go to Kabuto cuz she hasnt ever been.
I am sorry Elizabeth. For everything. I know I wasnt very easy to get along with when you and Zach were there. I didnt mean to be an asshole or not be more understanding… But it kills me to know how close you and I used to be and you can go this long without getting in touch with me at all, cuz every yr on my birthday, I sit up waiting right when it turns midnight waiting on a text to come thru from you and it never does. It hurts. But then I guess I hurt you too, without meaning to. And if I offended you or Zach in any way, I am sorry. Jerry has a younger sister… and I know her oldest 2 kids… they both call me Ray-Ray or Aunt Ray-Ray. The one girls name is Devin… I sent you a message on facebook from her acct. I dont know if you ever got it tho. But Dev is a LOT like you… lives her life the way you have decided to do. Betw her and Jerry, I have learned a lot. If we ever see each other again, I will explain it then. I think this would have to be done/said face to face.

All of us make mistakes in our lives. But I am more surprised and hurt that you didnt give me a 2nd chance. Not everybody figures shit out real fast… and I am one of em. I am a lil slower than most, remember? I hope we talk soon. But I am not going to push you for something you might not be ready for. I just want you to know, when you’re ready, I will be here.

I really hope 2013 is a better year for everybody (and I am not excluding myself from that either).  

I hope all the worries, sadnesses, guilts, excessive stresses, angers, frustrations, disappointments, let-downs, tears, and all the rest of the negative things people experience each day, went out the window for everybody when 2012 ended.

I hope people remember to be kind hearted and to do something nice (and unexpected!) for someone else they cross paths with as often as they can.   The world already is a hard enough place to be in now, without us complicating things more.   An act of kindness never hurts anyone.

I try to always think about others before I do myself.  Sometimes it doesnt always work – – – and sometimes I’ll offend someone else without really meaning to.  But it doesnt mean my heart isnt in the right place.   I guess I tend to think that those I am (or was) close to will always understand me.    And sadly, I have realized they dont.

I have learned the hard way (and it is STILL a “work in progress”) that communication is important…   esp with those in your uh, immediate circle.   It is not something I am very good at either.   I am just not good with words (verbally speaking of course!)   All I do know is failure to communicate can cause hurts that sometimes no band-aid can fix.  

Sometimes all it takes is a nice gesture, or a soft look, or a smile, or a hug, or anything that may brighten another person’s day.  A lot of people say “I LOVE YOU” and forget that words without action are meaningless.    (I did and I hurt the one person I loved most and didnt even realize I did it til it was too late).  And everybody needs to know someone cares. 

Its about looking outside the box (self) and seeing and appreciating whats around you.  And when you’re down in the dumps, and cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes all it takes is asking for help, instead of expecting it   (I think I might’ve forgot that too)…  

I am a strong believer in looking out for others.   I am a stronger believer in helping those that are unable to do for themselves.   (yes sometimes I can go overboard).    Its just that I care, about people.   And I want to see other people care too!

I want to see people work together without an ulterior motive, I want to see people try to do their best in anything that comes their way, I want to see people give from their hearts more often, I want to see people make the time for someone else, I want to see people not hurt others in any way.   I want to see people feel good about themselves….    and to still have compassion.    

And why shouldnt I?    All we really have in this world and in our lives is each other.  I see a lot of people going to jail/prison and think nothing of it – like its no different than someone else who is going to the grocery store!    And its sad!    Some people, I know may end up in places like that because theyre really struggling in life….   and they do wrong, hoping itll get them ahead.   It doesnt change the fact they did wrong, but it does make me think harder about why more people dont try to help one another get through the hard times?   

It goes back to those 3 little words….    you get angry at any form of deception, at any illegal act, at any parts of someone else taking the easy way out….    and you get angry cuz deep down you care.   So why not do something to make a difference?     No I realize everybody cant be helped (God knows, I know!).    So is it better to not help anyone then?      

We all talk about wanting the world to be a better place for our kids and families…     but it isnt.  It isnt getting any easier either.   People are so absorbed now (with reason) with keeping a roof over their heads and food on the table, that we’ve forgotten about being a family and supporting one another and encouraging each other.   It does NOT always have to come out of your pockets either!    Its just letting others know you care!

Kids now, when they come home from school, what do they have?    Jerry Springer?  And who is sleeping with who?    And Maury Povich running DNA tests on 2 or more men at a time to find out who the father of some baby really is?     Nice things for people to see…    and then we wonder why kids are the way they are?      I mean come on people, get real!   

Its not even the kids affected by it…     a lot of adults bring on the drama too into the households.    So where are we going to be in another 15 years or more?

All it takes is one person to get the ball rolling, to make changes and bring others to do the same.  

People really are predictable…    stop and think about it….      for any given situation, at least 7 out of 10 people will react pretty much the same way.   So do we just forget the 7?  Or just give up on the 3?     

Most people will make positive changes with the right support systems….      not by force, threat or intimidation…   just simple talking…      

Its easy to complain about life and the way it is….     anybody can do it, and anyone can feel sorry for themselves…   but it takes strength (and usually in numbers) to make a difference and to make changes.    All it takes is one person.     

Considering all the obstacles I have faced in life, and trust me, if you knew me, you’d know I really have had more than my share of troubles….     I have been told by the best I deserve a medal for all I have faced head-on.    I have been told by the best that I am a very strong person…        and I came out a lot better a person than anyone ever expected…      etc etc etc.   But it hasnt stopped me from caring.    

I care without expecting anything in return….     (okay I slipped once and am still paying for a sad heart that I have to live with)…    and to this day it hasnt stopped me from caring about others…     even those who have “wronged me” in the eyes of society.    It doesnt stop me from paying a bill for em, or from leaving a playpen on a doorstep I know is really needed without a note or being seen by anyone…    I dont do what I do for personal recognition, I do what I do because I care….    and if I was able, I’d do more….    I really would.  

I dont spend my time running my mouth…   I watch and I listen.  Some people I am around, I get along very well with and then there are others I avoid to avoid drama, or some kind of confrontation with someone who feels a need to prove themselves…      and what I give to one, I will give to another…     because everyone is the same to me.    We all need each other.   And I think people forget that a lot.   Just because you’re home and “there” every day, doesnt mean someone else in the same house doesnt need more than 5 minutes of your time.   And it doesnt have to be about yelling.    

If your child is bored, love them.    Watch a movie with them and talk about it when its over.  Play a simple game of checkers, or bowl on the Wii.    If your neighbor is sick, take them chicken soup.   If someone is struggling with paying a bill, take up a collection of donations among friends, family and neighbors.    If a single mom needs help (besides at Christmas) with providing clothes or school supplies, show up at her door with outfits (even if theyre from Goodwill) or school supplies you got from the dollar store.   Any act of kindness is always appreciated, never forgotten and even a little can make a huge difference in someone else’s world.

We all have our reasons to dislike others….     but underneath the tattoos, long beards, the trailers some live in, the nerds, the irresponsible, the weak minded, the poor, the dirt and filth, we are all the same… 

I recall me and my kids used to always make 2 separate Thanksgiving Dinners…    before we ate our own meal, we’d wrap a plate with turkey and all the trimmings (even a piece of pie) and one kid would hold plates, another would hold napkins, another plastic forks and knives and we’d drive around and find someone who was stuck working, or was wandering down the street and give em a holiday on us.

One year we did it for the police too….      because they left their families to be around for everyone else.    

If you saw me, you’d be shocked…    I’d be the one you would stare at, or avoid….     and yet if you were in trouble, I’d be the first one there to help.    TRUST THAT!

I have my problems now just like everyone else…    but it doesnt make me stop trying to do for someone else who really needs it or deserves a break.    

I am me.   And I care.    The world would be a much nicer place to be in, if more people did. All it takes is one person to make a difference.