I hope when MY day of reckoning comes, I will finally understand all the things that didnt make any sense before.

Like why some genuinely good-hearted people end up being the ones that carry all the hurt and pain for everyone else in their lives?   And why some people feel they can deal with pain better than others can, esp after they’ve really suffered enough already to last em 10 lifetimes?   How come there are so many others that are only out for themselves and they dont ever feel bad or have bad days?  Why is it the self absorbed ones don’t know what loss is like the ones who love and care do?

When MY day of reckoning comes, I hope I am filled with a God given understanding to all the things I’ve seen over the years and not get left in a deeper state of confusion with more questions than I had.  I want that God given understanding to bring me to a sense of peace and comfort, with a calmness that flows through me like a breath of fresh air.   

I desperately want to understand the differences between the less fortunate ones that just cant seem to ever catch a break and the over-indulged cry babies that get whatever they want handed to them at every turn because nobody can stand to listen to anymore of their constant whining.  The less fortunate ones will break their necks to get things done, and not just done, but complete and right the first time because they put forth real effort that nobody notices or appreciates, that just keeps piling up more and more on em and its relentless because it just never really ends.  Each new day, they get up facing more challenges, some new and quite a few that are old with no promises of an ending in sight.  They dont quit, they dont stop.  They keep rolling, in a forward march, covered from dreams built on hope and faith that comes to a simple moments rest by the shadows of things blocking their way. As  the over-indulged light-heartedly skip on by with complaints that steals the peace and comfort normally somewhere close by sending them further away with nothing left but irritations to take their place.

When is hope and faith revived?   When does the self seeking notice anyone besides themselves?                                                       

My day of reckoning’s here.    I’ve made some real mistakes in the past.  I didnt just right my wrongs, but I grew from them.  Somewhere in the distant past I was one of the self absorbed, self seekers, who was over indulged in the cost and expenses of personal gain.  I had to open my eyes, accept the things I saw, and grow so I could be of real help.  I learned the world is not all about me.  I found out I am not the only one, I am not the chosen one.  My wants and needs are small and meaningless to the less fortunate.  I saw I was not the only one who knew hurt and pain.  I realized that one’s sufferings is no greater or no lesser in their strength and intensity than my own are.  I understood the importance of them, that its all in a persons ability to cope with their day to day stresses and their haunting pasts.  I had to let go to grow.  I had to hold on, to help.  I had to forgive myself for not being the perfect person I wanted so bad to be and never will become.